Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You seem like a nice person, are you lost?

   We should make it so Congressmen are no longer elected. Then the Donald could create a reality show like the Apprentice, which would shown and sponsored on television, and make them all have to justify keeping their jobs. If they can't, -- "Your FIRED"

   A Roman man walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

   Argon and Neon walked into a bar and ordered drinks. The bartender said, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here." They didn't react.

   A Higgs Boson walks into a church admiring the stained glass. A priest walks up and says," We don't allow your kind of particle in here." The Higgs Boson replies, " But without me, you can't have mass."

   Enjoy your last 24 hours before S̶k̶y̶n̶e̶t̶ Windows 10 ta̶k̶e̶s̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ is installed.

   I've never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.

   It's cute how you all call them "weddings" instead of prison sentencings

   Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcohol.

   wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing monkey? me hanging a tire swing in the kitchen: not a clue.

   You know who else who waits 7 hours to reply to a text with "lol"? SATAN

   Don't call each other BAE and act all surprised when that relationship doesn't go anywhere.

   I know I should be sad and worried about Trump but I confess I am surprised and delighted in this country's capacity to keep a joke going...

   I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes

   Bath tubs - 2, Houston's - 0.

   It's such a shame when someone dies of a drug overdose in the bath when all they were trying to do was get clean

   Well Bobbi Kristina Brown did say she wanted to follow in her mothers footsteps.

   Whitney Houston has been reunited with her daughter, Bobbi Kristina Brown, hopefully together they can both rest in peace. ‪

   Last year it was the ice bucket challenge. This year it's the bucket of hot coals challenge. You go first. . .

   A statue of Satan was unveiled in Detroit. It doesn't seem to be very accurate though, because it looks nothing like my ex-wife.