Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drank so much coffee my ponytail has a heartbeat.

   Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.

   I've got 99 problems but being black ain't one

   If it ain't KRAFT Mac and Cheese, it ain't Mac and Cheese!!!!

   Why do you Americans have to involve race in everything? Leave it to the media to put ideas into your minds. The country/world will never know peace until we start referring to each other as human beings. One Love...

   I would rather read a spooky story than seeing someone using 'fingers crossed' expression.

   When OIL prices were high it was all "Obama's fault" according to Republicans. Now that they are low it is the market.

   Never send laughter to do a medicinal job

   Thank God America won the Revolutionary War or we'd all be speaking English right now.

   If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.

   So the Chantix commercial says to call your doctor immediately if you experience a siezure...Is it just me or would it be pretty difficult to pick up the phone and dial while shaking violently?

   Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.

   My first after school job was sweeping up hair.... I don't know how that kebab shop stayed Open

   Committing to your happiness increases your chances for success.

   It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get it together, every other vegetable

   Just gave my son "the talk" about how to avoid police brutality..... Go to college, get a good job, live in a nice neighborhood, and learn how to use the phrase, "yes sir".

   It's a shame that all these die-in protesters aren't actually dying

   The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.

   Excuse me Miss, but your new hairstyle is making everyone uncomfortable.

   I saw a sign that said "falling rocks", so I tried and it doesn’t.