Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have accepted Nicki Minaj’s music as hip hop then you can’t *itch about Macklemore winning the best rap album award at the Grammys. You can't lower the bar for one person and deny another.

   All any of us really want is someone to be a Chunk to our Sloth.

   Brain: Let’s dance. Legs: We don’t do that. Tequila: Just give it a minute.

   Neighbour kisses his wife before he leaves for work. My wife asked why I don’t do the same thing. I said I always do and that’s how the fight started

   when I see a pretty girl all I can think to myself is "There's no way she is gonna put up with my crazy."

   I fell in love with an Irish girl from the bad part of town. She had no time for me. She'd rather do the jig.

   Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl's girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: "My dad wears shirts like that"

   I'm convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...

   If I'm ever in a convenience that is getting robbed, I'm loading my pockets before the police get there.

   Jeeziz...last night the big choice was either the Grammys or the Pro Bowl. Thank God there was a Reba marathon.

   Did Obama not give insurance to the Comedians around here?

   We get it, ESPN. The superbowl will be cold, you don't have to remind us every 5 minutes.

   The Super Bowl is going to be cold, Sherman is a thug, Peyton says Omaha. We get it, ESPN.

   That guy has a couple screws loose... which is ironic because he's also a tool...

   I'm drunk and horny but not "call my ex" drunk and horny...

   I love it when my computer says ” are you sure you want to continue unprotected “

   I remember "The Simpsons" episode when Homer won a Grammy, then threw it into a dumpster. A bum picked it up, and even he didn't want it.

   I call my condoms Peyton Manning. Cause they usually just stay in the pocket.

   This space heater can barely warm a room, there's no way it's going to heat a universe.

   My neighbours diary say's I have boundary issues.