Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are like newspapers, you should really get your own and stop borrowing your neighbor's.

   ˜Sort of" shouldn't be used in certain phrases. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."

   Hand jobs are like the WNBA a cheap imitation of something that men do better.

   there is a great need for sarcasm font.

   Why do the guys at Footlocker get so mad when they can't force you to buy socks or extra shoe cleaner.

   Alcohol induced dreams make for all sorts of entertainment.

   Don't you hate it when people call or text you at 5 or 6am just to ask you "whats up?"... I mean really? I am now. thank you!!.."

   a man with flaws, a failure at success, no superhero, neither rich nor poor. I am, however a good father and a happy person. that'll do pig. that'll do.

   do kids in china push in there eyes and say "haha I'm American"?

   whip it ! whip it real good !

   They told me to think outside the box....I just learned this did not mean I could leave the box.

   Someone came up to me and said get a life...I punched them in the face and said get a helmet.

   saw the best T-shirt EVER today: "Who the hell needs Hooters when you've got BALLS?" Win.

   There are so many people looking for Bin Laden, I think they should also search for Joyce Dewitt from Three's Company. She vanished over 20 years ago. Not even TMZ seem to know where she is.

   -- I was playing golf with my missus the other day..She is absolutely horrific at driving and much better just using an iron the whole time. .....As for the golf she wasn't that bad......

   supposed to cross the street with the skeleton. But he didn't have the guts

   some kid told me that my "Picture is under Idiot in the Dictionary" I put on a medieval face and replied "It's better then the obituary!!"

   There's a first time for everything.......Except deja vu.

   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

   ...Broken nose, bust lip, teeth knocked, black eye..but she started it so f**k her