Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”

   I made my bed, I've failed countless of times by not taking any seats. But I will surely get out my bed every morning and try again, cuz failing is a stepping stone to success. Failure, is not falling down of the bed; but remaining where you have fallen.

   The girl at Mcdonald asked me what I'm "talkmbout" <------Ghetto word of today!

   Top Reasons I Procastinate... 1.)

   If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and go to sleep while watching you getting murdered with a rake

   A wise man once said........................... nothing,,, He just let her vent

   Les Miserables is French for "It's two and a half hours"

   Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.

   I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

   Lol here come all the brand new Redskins fans

   Making snow angels & writing Ron Paul underneath because people need to know the truth

   i wonder if Bruce Wayne calls it his "batman cave" or his "bat 'man cave' "

   if "PRO" is the opposite of "CON" then "PROgress" has to be the opposite of "CONgress

   I should just change my name to "Han" because it looks like I'm gonna stay solo *forever alone*

   How's Hillary's head? Not as good as Monica's.

   DIARY OF A BACHELOR - Day 689: I am happy to report that I am still in total control and command of my sperm which I continue to manage successfully and thus have not impregnated any female out of wedlock, thanks mostly to self-control and quality c0ndoms

   RELIGION - a refugee for when physics, chemistry, biology, logic and common sense become too complicated to understand.

   I guess there's just something about the word bro that makes dudes take their shirts off and touch each other.

   Women are weird. Hundreds of people can tell them they're beautiful but they'll obsess over the one person that doesn't.

   HIM: Do you want to go for a ride in my BMW? HER: Yep you can drive me to my JAGUAR!