Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just started the all donut diet, or as I like to call it, Glazed Anatomy.

   They said the baby looked like me. Until they turned him the right way up.

   Kentucky man wins 128 million dollar lottery. Says he will share winnings with his wife and sister. Lucky woman!

   Never hit a man with glasses! A baseball bat does the job MUCH better!

   when love is in the air I put on my gas mask.

   won't be drinking alone tonight.......the verizon network will be with with her!

   now in subsmission to the power of great stupidity

   saw a naked man running down his road. I rolled down the car window and asked "hey why are you running stark naked " to which the naked man replied "because you are home early....."

   pays tribute to Mickey Mouse who will turn 82 years old this year. He's now the oldest rodent in show business, unless you count that thing on Donald Trump's head....

   : Everytime I hear the dirty word "excercise", I wash my mouth with chocolate.....

   In life, success is determined by the amount of sh!t you can take

   veni, vidi, velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around...

   "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits"

   masticating in a crowded restaurant.

   Celebrating 6 yrs of a social epidemic.Congrats Facebook for connecting people with friends;old,new,and weird. Using up people's time online. Poking as many women as possible.F*cking up relationships/marriages,and checking up on people's exaggerated lives

   is doing "The Pee Pee Dance!". Not because I have to go... I just think it's a cool dance...

   now that she's gone, Hands back into my pants!

   Finally got Laid... And you all thought It would never happen!

   after so much studying , he is going to PASS his BAR tonight!

   thinks if adam and eve were chinese they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple!