Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got an extra quarter while getting my change from the soda machine. THUG LIFE.

   My buddy told me "My wife is an angel" I told him "You're lucky! Mine is still alive"

   I woke up this morning and turned on the tv. This tv evangelist was on and he said"you may not know this, but already you have SINNED." I said what could I have done? I just woke up.I'm not even out of bed. I turned and asked my sister and she didn't know

   Why is it that I have to recite the entire alphabet to remember where one letter is?

   If you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation...Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.

   Actually,,, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is,,,,,, Just open the door and push her out.

   A few years ago while I was on vacation, on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?" I said "My glasses."

   I don't know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.

   Why the hell has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?

   I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.

   Today my eight year old daughter told me Bieber is lame, and I was so happy!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!

   The guy who said "It's better to have loved and lost" never accidentally dropped his 2nd Reese's cup in the dirt.

   Some people are like water balloons, they're more fun when you throw them out the window.

   My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.

   If you decide to dress up as Lance Armstrong for this Halloween, just remember to give all the candy back at the end of the night.

   Well, today I realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob, I think I've learned all that is possible for my brain to hold....

   You're the shampoo in the eyes of my life.

   I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won't talk to you anymore.

   It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! People are definitely getting in the holiday spirit, CRABBY, GRABBY and RUDE!

   I'm looking for a few women to form a playgroup on weekday afternoons....... No kids, please.......