Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

   Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

   When this is all over, we'll need to wear our masks backwards for 3 to 4 weeks to get our ears back to normal...

   With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

   Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome

   When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.

   From what I've been told by inside sources, Pete had the most votes in Iowa, but Bernie Sanders keeps insisting that they be distributed equally.

   “Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you, but what staying home on the couch can do for your country.”

   I'm having a quarintine party this weekend. None of you are invited

   Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

   Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...

   Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident.

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...

   Looks like Bloomberg got stopped and frisked during the debate...

   Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

   New pickup line: hey why don't you come back to my place, I have toilet paper😉

   So showing up at the bank with a mask and gloves is okay now

   If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

   If you are driving alone in your car with a face mask on... Stay home... Even after this is over...

   All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost. Now they know how we feel!!