Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

   Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.

   DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets

   DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.

   If you ever feel alone, just remember you can talk to the CIA using your phone or smart TV... #Vault7

   Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..

   If your single and starting to feel a little blue about the coming Valentines day to make you feel better just remember that Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beaten to death with a club and candy and cakes will be 50% off the day after 😊

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in...

   Amazon just broke up with New York... on Valentine's Day...

   My Chinese pal is very upset about Peter Tork, and has been muttering "I'm a bereaver" all day?

   I'm hoping the next big Trend will be modesty.

   Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

   A real SMART TV will start raising it's volume when you start eating chips.

   I'm already sick of writing this book I'm thinking of writing.

   I wish my neighbor's dog would take the hint that my leg just wants to be friends.

   Never trust an Avon lady who doesn't wear any makeup. The whole thing is probably a front for her organ-harvesting business.

   When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls.

   Trying to understand quantum physics. Cause trying to understand women is just too damn hard.

   for all those who answer "how's it goin?" with .."can't complain"...please review your FB status's

   My greatest contribution to most situations is just not making it worse.