Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know

   It's so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you're just playing.

   I just read that Kim K is taking some "time off work be with her daughter" but she doesn't have a job so now I'm confused

   Preferred Forms of Contact (In Order): 1) Email 2) Text 3) Social Media 4) Group Message 5) entering My Shower in a "Scream" Mask 6) Phone

   LIKE IF you put things in a safe place and then forget where the safe place is.

   Ghetto Word Of The Day: COLOGNE. Usage: "You think you cologne me a dollar?"

   How come we always hear about what's happening on Wall Street and Main Street. What about what's happening on Sesame Street? People live in trash cans there.

   Bucket list item #26 Shoot at someone's feet while yelling "DANCE, VARMINT!"

   A Jealous Woman Does Better Research Than A FBI Agent

   you never seen a McDonalds or a Burger King under construction...they just show up

   You know how after you get off a boat, your body still feels like its on the boat for a while after? I'm like that with beds.

   He called my girlfriend a wh0re. So I called him an ambulance.

   As a species we should resign now and let the dinosaurs have another go

   Just witnessed my dog catch fire while "draggin' ass" on our dead lawn.

   Pretty sure I could make an entire meal with the crumbs in my keyboard.

   My wife and I have a waterbed - I call it the "Dead Sea"!

   Interesting,,,,, All those years, no one has ever questioned Bob Barker's choice of microphones.

   The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.

   The government closed Megaupload and Piratebay.org might be next.. But life goes on.. We will always find a way.. Mark my words.

   If your breath isn't flammable, you're not an alcoholic.