Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just read that Kim K is taking some "time off work be with her daughter" but she doesn't have a job so now I'm confused

   Preferred Forms of Contact (In Order): 1) Email 2) Text 3) Social Media 4) Group Message 5) entering My Shower in a "Scream" Mask 6) Phone

   LIKE IF you put things in a safe place and then forget where the safe place is.

   Ghetto Word Of The Day: COLOGNE. Usage: "You think you cologne me a dollar?"

   How come we always hear about what's happening on Wall Street and Main Street. What about what's happening on Sesame Street? People live in trash cans there.

   Bucket list item #26 Shoot at someone's feet while yelling "DANCE, VARMINT!"

   A Jealous Woman Does Better Research Than A FBI Agent

   you never seen a McDonalds or a Burger King under construction...they just show up

   You know how after you get off a boat, your body still feels like its on the boat for a while after? I'm like that with beds.

   He called my girlfriend a wh0re. So I called him an ambulance.

   As a species we should resign now and let the dinosaurs have another go

   Just witnessed my dog catch fire while "draggin' ass" on our dead lawn.

   Pretty sure I could make an entire meal with the crumbs in my keyboard.

   My wife and I have a waterbed - I call it the "Dead Sea"!

   Interesting,,,,, All those years, no one has ever questioned Bob Barker's choice of microphones.

   The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.

   The government closed Megaupload and Piratebay.org might be next.. But life goes on.. We will always find a way.. Mark my words.

   If your breath isn't flammable, you're not an alcoholic.

   The wife wants me to take her to one of those fancy resturants where they prepare your food right in front of you. Does anyone know if I need reservations for Waffle House?

   If a girl stabbed me on our first date, how many days should I wait to ask her out again?