Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just overheard someone say "I've got a gut feeling in my stomach." That kind of use of the English language makes me want to punch his face in the face.

   May you be as happy as a person in an infomercial today.

   driving out to the family farm for Thanksgiving. But first, a stop at the airport for a quickie.

   If a girl texts you and asks if you think she is fat and you try to reply "Noooo", auto correct changes it to "Moooo" so that's pretty cool.

   One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.

   She wanted to eat at a Chinese restaurant. I didn't want to eat at a Chinese restaurant. So we compromised and ate at a Chinese restaurant.

   Ignore him and he will go away, simple solution

   If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.

   I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD,, and it told me I have Gary Busey.

   Wait?.. If being vegetarian is SO good for you, how come you don't have the energy to shave your armpits?

   Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.

   Can we start a rumor that all Ed Hardy & Tapout shirts are bullet proof?

   Who wants to put on a bear costume and tear apart the tents of people camping outside a Best Buy for Black Friday?

   if it's private, don't post it on FB. You don't see me bragging about screwing my wifes sister, do you??

   What is the difference between a Snickers and Justin Bieber? The Snickers has nuts....ZING...

   worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss...

   If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.

   I've been playing the Monopoly game at McDonalds and so far all I've won is a double chin and 3 heart attacks

   Wow it's hot outside....I was only out there for 10 minutes and I was wetter than Kim Kardashian at the BET Awards...

   Everyone needs to understand that the whole world is being played.