Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was SO excited at work when they told me I was chosen for a random drug test! Turns out you shouldn't ask which ones you get to test.

   Technically, I don't really go to bed. I just give up on the day.

   I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!

   I'm thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there's this thing called Google now.

   Life is unpredictable. Just when you think you've got enough lotion on your skin, you may just get the hose again.

   Standing in walmart cosmetics aisle with wife and she asks me if she should try this tube of wrinkle remover. I replied "it's kind of a small tube, isn't it?". I've stopped coughing up blood, so the doctors optimistic.

   My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves like that.

   its so hot, I just saw a bird blow on a worm before it ate it

   Can't believe it's the Chinese New Year. I'm still writing Rabbit on all of my checks.

   It's 2012. How come some restaurants haven't figured out how to split checks? Nobody wants to take a math test after they eat.

   After reading about Alicia Silverstone, I have some new things to be thankful for...Dear Mom, thank you for not naming me "Bear Blu" and especially for not feeding me pre-chewed, discarded food straight from your mouth!

   Dog's diary = me and my master played all day! Cat's diary = day 154 of captivity.

   I bet the Super Size Me guy regrets not doing his McDonalds binge during the Monopoly promotion.

   I gave the wrong answer to the "boxers or briefs" question. I replied, "Depends."

   While on Facebook, I realized that I don't hate Facebook...I hate people.

   Dry clean only...means I will never ever wash this.

   If you blame others for your failures, do you credit them with your success?

   didnt Mark Zuckerberg learn anything from Tom Anderson? the changes to myspace is what killed it

   I woke up in the middle of the night & wrote 2 status ideas down on paper. I need help

   Political candidates should be made to wear NASCAR suits so we can tell who their sponsors are.