Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q( - _-)_____¦__o___Q(-_ - ) *Asian ping pong match*

   With American Airlines stock at 20 cents, I can't decide between paying for two checked bags or buying half the company.

   Whenever I go to WalMart I like to wear jeans with no stains, a freshly washed shirt and shoes that tie so I can listen to all the other shoppers say, "Hey, check out the rich guy."

   I just peed so hard I laughed a little.

   If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's a drunk white woman having her picture taken in the club.

   This lady in Walmart is staring at me like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

   If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.

   Dear Winter, I think we should spend some time apart... I'm gonna try to work things out with my ex, Summer...

   thinks the Amsterdam smoke shops should begin limiting marijuana consumption to the Nigerians that are about to board planes heading to Detroit.

   If you want your children to listen to you, try talking softly to someone else

   a man bumps into his ex wifes new husband and asks " hows the second hand fanny ? " the man replies " it great thanks , after the first 3 inches , its like brand new !!! "

   would you like that sea bass regular or unleaded?

   Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, and actually came back home.

   Many of you have asked what my ex-wife looks like. Just look up in the sky tonight... she's the one on the broom.

   I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my Doctor calls them, symptoms...

   Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

   Dear Schwarzenegger, You were a 'Running man' from your 'True Lies',and your 'Predator' ways will have you spending your 'End of Days' with 'Junior'. Good thing it wasn't 'Twins'.(mood:first mistake was going 'Commando')

   If Dr. Seuss were alive today he might write a book about horrible footwear choices and call it Crocs with Socks... and then kill himself.

   Someone give Bruno Mars a grenade and pull the pin. I'm getting sick of that song. She dosen't love you, I don't wanna hear about how your stalking her.

   when life gives you dilemmas, make dilemmanade!