Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told everybody at work that I've got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.

   Prison counts as a gated community, right?

   My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn. I told her, I love my car but I still watch NASCAR

   My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it's either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke..... in which I talk about having a wife.

   No party would be complete without that creepy guy sitting in the corner.

   remember the good old days when Nigerians were just scamming people on the internet...

   thinks Saturdays are like pre-school. You spend all day doing nothing productive and, as a reward, you get to take a nap.

   If I need directions, I'm not asking a man with one tooth. I'm asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there..

   I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, "Did you know it's time for your annual check-up?" No, but now my mailman does.

   ..if life is just one big game.. I need unlimited health & money cheat codes...

   If you want to see a basket full of uncomfortable people, break up with your girlfriend on a hot air balloon ride

   On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

   thinks it was irresponsible for the Cox Candy Company to make a lollipop. Who would walk into a candy store and ask for a Cox Sucker?

   Hope that your Life is long and useful, Like a roll of toilet paper.

   What does it mean when a girl calls you 2 or 3 times every single day? I mean aside from the fact that she works for MasterCard™.

   poking someone right after they accept your friend request dirty?

   Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

   just had a very interesting conversation with the mirror.

   I'm not sure what's so "outstanding" about this bill... It seems pretty ordinary to me.

   I definitely thought we'd have some futuristic Jetsons sh*t by now.