Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Xbox Kinect, if I wanted to use my whole body to play sports, I would just play sports.

   Charlie Sheen is Kenny Powers with more money.

   I know my dream woman is out there somewhere. And that her boring friend is the one who's into me.

   I'm not so much anti-social as I am pro-being left alone.

   Don't underestimate me. That's my family's job.

   Let everyone know what is on your mind, but let only a few know what is in your heart.

   Why are Adam and Eve always depicted with belly buttons?

   Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.

   sometimes you gotta save peoples numbers just so you know which ones to ignore!!

   Ever have one of those days when your keys kicked your ass at a game of hide and seek?

   In a perfect world you would be able to mark people as spam in real life.

   i dont think people enjoyed kates "train" as much as they watched her sisters "caboose"

   says it is comforting to know the last person Osama Bin Laden saw on this Earth was an American

   Navy seals now it's time 2 go after the one responsible for raising gas prices !!!

   Alicia Silverstone named her son Bear Blue? I wonder if she would have liked it if her mother named her Racoon Red? WTF is wrong with these celebs........

   I saw a charity appeal in the newspaper the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

   I've got 99 problems and I'm not dealing with any of them (Lay-Z)

   My plan this New Years Eve is to avoid people who have plans this New Years Eve.

   Most women are open to anything in bed if you make it clear you're not going to get anything in their hair.

   Work is the hardest place to avoid talking to people who don't know what the hell they're talking about.