Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Eminem, Not only did you steal our name but we're both black on the inside too. Sincerly, M&M'S

   Dear Facebook...All we asked for was a Dislike button.. Not more options on how to stalk people!

   Woke up this morning and turned the T.V. on to find out I now have 3,000,000 channels! I'm not sure who put that satellite on my roof but thanks!

   Like sands through the hourglass, Facebook wastes the days of our lives.

   The thing that I miss the most about being young? Knowing everything.

   You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a Facebook account and a bottle of booze.

   The words "Haters" and "Swag" are overused by the people who have neither.

   Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

   The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.

   He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too.

   I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.

   Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   I just want to be with someone who isn't crazy but unfortunately I'm only attracted to women.

   Day 10....I am thankful for Veterans......

   I'm old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.

   I'm sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.

   I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

   II have a strange feeling this year's "must have" Halloween costume will be a level 4 biohazard suit

   Whoa. The land-telephone appliance just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped, and rolled.