Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fellas; Not all women are interested in your money. Some of them only want your souls.

   If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??

   Erin Andrews, you lose all your hotness when you do a commercial for a product that helps you $hit...

   Nobody cares if you’re going to bed or woke up on Facebook, unless it’s with them.

   It's easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your Facebook page.

   Open an ice cream shop and name your flavors things like: "don't be sad","he's not worth it","you deserve better".

   Instagram says it now can sell your pics without your permission. Good luck making money with pictures of Cups of coffee, Cupcakes & clouds.

   How the Grinch Stole Christmas is my favorite holiday special about a burglar whose crimes go wholly unpunished.

   When the world ends tomorrow, I hope it is after 5:00 pm, because I won't get paid for the holiday if I don't work Friday.

   I can't believe it's been a whole year since I didn't become a better person!

   When the "M" of MTV was for music & not for maternity... Those were the days

   Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.

   They should change the name of "Disney Channel" to "Celebrity Pre-Rehab".

   If intelligent people don't start procreating faster than the trash in “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” we're all heading towards a very dismal future. Am I the only one seeing this?

   The gas pedal is my therapist.

   And for all of you who are Telepathic...............

   You want to save a shtiload of money next Black Friday??? Stay Home!!!

   Nothing makes me want to leave a web page more than a popup window saying, "Are you sure you want to leave this page?"

   You know its true love when she makes you wanna stop deleting your browser history.

   As a kid, I thought convention delegates were just sign-waving idiots in silly hats & pins, but as an adult, I see I was a perceptive kid.