Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Text from hubby: Wanna go to Lowe’s and get a new toilet seat tonight? Me: Hell yeah! In your face single people. IN. YOUR. FACE.

   I don't sign anything without pretending to read it first.

   I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

   All new Hell's Kitchen tonight. Going to get into the spirit by hanging out in the kitchen and scream at my wife while she cooks dinner.

   I tried to say no to the vodka but it was 40% stronger than me

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "A Brat about to get an a$s whooping".

   FYI- Clear plastic bra straps make you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring.

   I don't always eat breakfast naked, but when I do, I get escorted out of IHOP really quickly......

   I'm guessing we call it "baby powder" because that sounds better than "adult ball powder"?

   Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has never experienced two candy bars falling down at the same time from a vending machine!!!!

   You're exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.

   I'd like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about bathroom mirror profile pictures.

   If the head of the CIA (Petraeus) can't keep a secret such as cheating on his wife, then they're screwed.

   Its all fun and games until you realise your Capri Sun has no straw.

   So you wonder why I never seem to get any sleep. Well I never go to bed angry. I stay up and plot my revenge. So ask yourself something, do I hate alot of people or is one person really going to get it. Now your wondering if its you.

   Honestly can people quit falling for these Facebook scams and virus's all this 'view her commit suicide' or links to other random crap like 'view whos seen ur profile' - just dont click on it! Their all bugs so avoid at all costs! Dont let curiosity kill

   Elton John is said to be writting a tribute song for Bin Laden's Death - SANDALS IN THE BIN

   Let's play a game. Let's pretend we're in love. lets text each other all the time, just for the fun. Whoever falls in love first, loses.

   Why is that the world is always going to end on a weekend? Why not Monday morning, ideally before I have to get up and go to work?

   Here's how I know I'm smarter than a 5th grader... I didn't have to go to school today.