Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you've been unfriended, unfollowed and blocked. Let me know where you can see this, so I can block you there too!

   Relastionships are like yard sales. They might look good from a distance but close up its just a bunch of crap you dont need

   went to Wal-Mart this afternoon and discovered that some people think Febreeze is a substitution for doing laundry.

   You should not clean a gun while loaded....Unless you're wiping off fingerprints!!

   Dear Curiosity, just put the gun down and lets talk this out.~ Sincerely, The Cat.

   Pouring milk on Doritos and pretending it's cereal isn't as good of an idea as I thought it would be.

   I don't know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.

   Someone needs to help Rihanna, she likes rude boys, loves it when people lie to her, and apparently forgot her name

   Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I touch your bra"

   I work out. Just kidding, I take naps.

   Tony Romo tried to throw a Superbowl party but it was intercepted

   If you ever need nothing I am here for you.

   If you're riding shotgun, you're automatically on cop look-out. With great power comes great responsibility.

   Starting to think Herman Cain only ran for President so people would find out how much he gets laid.

   Dad: “A little bird tells me you are doing drugs” Son: “You're talking to birds and I'm the one doing drugs?”

   When I exercise at the gym, I wear all black. It's like a funeral for my fat.

   My wife came home with a v!brator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!" But guess who had to put the batteries in?

   It makes no sense for a 911 operator to put you on hold: "911 please hold.""Ok, wait. Stop stabbing me for a sec." Murderer: "K"

   my son just said, "nobody needs a girlfriend till you're married!!"....hmmm...great advice I thought....

   The guy that did Super Size Me should of done it during Monopoly month.