Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering when BP is going to change the warning label on its gas from; Product contains up to 10% Ethanol, to, Product contains up to 50% salt water....

   I have accumulated considerable wealth which, along with my collection of firearms, makes me very attractive to women. (Every rap song)

   If you got a problem with your woman dont go out and get another woman cause now you got 2 problems

   I'd rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.

   I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; and, Things I'll never do.

   I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. ;)

   Some people should come with subtitles.

   Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?

   If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed. - Today's media and Nazi Propoganda

   I think before people are allowed to protest and try to overturn an election, The protesters should first be required to take a basic Civics 101 class.

   Never rob a bank with a vegan... They will tell everyone.

   ladies first is just a polite way of saying I wanna check out your booty

   Ok great name for a band .".Half Price Drinks" how can you not pack them in on a Friday night with that name on the sign out front

   Sometimes my mind wanders. I don't know what it does the rest of the time.

   McDonald's Happy Meal. A tiny burger, 8 fries, a sip of Coke, and a cheap 2¢ toy. Happy? Yeah, I'm ecstatic.

   "If your wife can't handle a compliment, maybe she shouldn't keep such a well groomed moustache!"

   They say so many people die because of alcohol... Perhaps they never realised how many of them are born because of it.

   Keeping a Blockbuster card in your wallet is like carrying $100 in Confederate bills.

   Just got a letter from one of those traffic light cameras. No ticket; just a picture of me with the caption "Nice shirt, douche bag."

   My goal for today is to not post anything stupid on Facebook and to learn how to boil water.