Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stevie Wonder's housekeepers probably don't do a damn thing all day long.

   I hate when I'm admiring my good looks from a car's window reflection and the people inside think I'm staring at them.

   Fact: Ten out of ten people die. Don't take life too seriously.

   If you rearrange the letters in North West, it spells Bad Parents.

   The key to a long and good relationship is to keep the fights clean, and the sex dirty!!!

   I sleep less, I'm tired. I sleep more, I'm tired. Life is impossible.

   For all of those that think alcohol is a problem... according to Chemistry: Alcohol is a solution. Thanks science!

   To the Maverick detective - Jim Rockford, RIP James Garner

   The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.

   I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.

   Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

   Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses

   You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.

   My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...

   A Rod's attorney just accused MLB of causing an unsafe playing environment. He might be right since the playoffs present A Rod with a choking hazard.

   Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn't work. Don't believe the Rumors.

   What rhymes with Cupid?

   “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

   My 30 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 150 lbs. I've gained.

   The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don't even have to hide a body.