Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm 94% sure I'm going to die in a running in flip flops incident.

   My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.

   Who gets the binders full of women?

   My love comes with more terms and conditions than iTunes.

   Women dont say sorry, when a guy is right they say.... "Whatever!"

   You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.

   Even when I'm home alone, I always lock the bathroom door. I've seen Zombieland. I'm not going out like that.

   ''Live this friday like it was your last.'' - The Mayans

   Fate puts different people in our path. It's up to us to determine if they are keepers or creepers.

   Be original. Don't just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away.

   We bought a zoo, because we bought some pot.

   YOLO - You Obviously Lack Originality

   When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.

   There are two kinds of people in this world, and I don't like them.

   It's so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.

   Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it's never found again..

   Twerking.. Always reminds me of a dog trying to shake the $h1t off themselves after they poop.

   “You’re beautiful the way you are, ladies. Just kidding, you need to buy this stuff.” – commercials

   If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

   This recurring dream where my FB account gets deleted and I cease to exist.