Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Telling your kids you remember when gas was $.99 is like your Grandparents telling you they remember walking to school in the snow barefooted... Both were a long long time ago & will never happen again...

   I'd rather hear a dry fart from a wet dog than hear another one of your boring stories

   200 Happy Birthday Messages on my wall and all I got was a Farmville tractor.

   You know when doctors leave the room they are just checking Web MD right?

   You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

   Usually, the person who tries to make everyone happy is the loneliest and saddest person.

   going to go a few pages back, copy a status, then re-word it so I appear creative.

   If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you're going to jail.

   ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.

   Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.

   I changed my alarm tone to a Justin Bieber song and it works great... Now I wake up early just so I don't have to hear that $hit.

   The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

   Instagram is down! I'm freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???

   Her cup size will determine how long the hug will last!

   Trust is like an eraser, smaller after every new mistake

   I should have known that I had to much to drink tonight because I left the door open the whole time I was peeing. It might not sound that bad, but when you're driving 65 mph, it can cause all kinds of problems..

   It's been exactly a year since I quit drinking. And 364 days since I started again.

   A recent study concluded that staring at women's boobs for 10 minutes a day increases life expectancy. In other news, I turn 137 this month.

   Breaking News: Jamie Lee Curtis to star in new horror movie about a haunted yogurt shop. It's called Paranormal Activia.

   why must I be made to feel like a porn star everytime I open yogurt....