Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when your life flashes before your eyes, make sure you've got plenty to watch.

   oly crap! I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1987.

   If I park 20 spots from the store, in an empty parking lot and you park right next to me, I'm slamming my door into your car 34 times.

   My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes." I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later." He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

   Stop screaming, lady. All I said was 'this is how pornos start'. It's just elevator talk.

   I think I hear an aftermarket muffler... I guess that means my pizza is here.

   Clerk: Hi, welcome To McDonalds, what can I get you? Me: Yeah, can I get half a dozen chicken nuggets please? Clerk: Oh I'm sorry, we only serve 6, 10 or 20-piece. Me: So you can't serve me half a dozen chicken nuggets? Clerk: No sir Me: OK, interesting.

   Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you.

   I have been watching all the rioting in Egypt on TV and have yet to see somebody walking like an Egyptian

   A baby was born laughing really hard with its fists closed! The confused doctor unfolded its tiny fingers and found a birth control pill.

   Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I'm not beating her.

   I love them all.....Fake (+)(+) , Perfect (o)(o), Perky (*)(*), Cold (^)(^) and even Grandma's \o/ \o/ Big ( • )( • ) or small (.) (.) save them all. REPOST for Breast Cancer Awareness.

   If anyone's interested,, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm on, until I'm removed by security.

   This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is 'funny and spontaneous', yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it's all panic and screaming.

   My girlfriend says that I treat her like a child. So I gave her a sticker for standing up for her self.

   Never date a girl whose father calls her "Princess." Chances are.. she believes it

   If you want to find a missing person, put their pictures on cigarettes. Smokers are the only ones standing outside in all kinds of weather.

   I know that roses are expensive but $80 for a dozen? Thats a lot of money for a plant you can't smoke.

   The gym was so crowded today I had to skip my workout. Fortunately the line at Dunkin Donuts was shorter than usual. I love New Year's resolutions...

   **Warning** It turns out Farmville is a virus that will eat your life away. Side effects are all your friends hate you because of your tacky updates & you're getting fatter from sitting online all day playing. Delete it ASAP and stop being a Tool.