Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am not narcissistic. I just wonder how all of this pertains to me....

   My ex called to say that she hates me and wished I was dead, also to ask if I needed anything from the liquor store.

   The most shocking thing about Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) violating his parole by testing positive for oxycodone is that he can afford oxycodone.

   come from a long line of people who ruin things.

   I sensed she was starting to pull away when she changed the locks to the house.

   Administrative Professionals Day is the best way to find out who doesn't know they're an administrative professional.

   Complicate your life by telling people how you really feel.

   There are now online dating sites for seniors... I bet that "forgot password?" button is gonna get used a lot.

   What is this "growing up" thing and how do I avoid it?

   Dear Bad Luck ….. Let's break up.

   Women: the only problem I don't mind "wrestling" with.

   Never under estimate the predictability of stupidity.

   Today's challenge! Walk with the parade and wave, and make people wonder who you are.

   when did the world give up on Common Courtesy

   I don't hate people, I just feel better when they're not around.

   I wrote you a song, man was it tough finding something to rhyme with "Bar Skank"

   you can tell more about a person's true character after they gain some random wealth

   According to every arcade in the world, 'AAA' and 'ASS' are the most common initials

   This gallon of ice cream is a new flavor called, "Get Your Own."

   Where there's a will, I want to be in it.