Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The most shocking thing about Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) violating his parole by testing positive for oxycodone is that he can afford oxycodone.

   come from a long line of people who ruin things.

   I sensed she was starting to pull away when she changed the locks to the house.

   Administrative Professionals Day is the best way to find out who doesn't know they're an administrative professional.

   Complicate your life by telling people how you really feel.

   Its pretty cool how when you ask yoursefl, "What's the worst that can happen?" Life stops what its doing as is like, "Here, let me show you"

   you can tell more about a person's true character after they gain some random wealth

   I don't hate people, I just feel better when they're not around.

   I wrote you a song, man was it tough finding something to rhyme with "Bar Skank"

   What is this "growing up" thing and how do I avoid it?

   Dear Bad Luck ….. Let's break up.

   Women: the only problem I don't mind "wrestling" with.

   Never under estimate the predictability of stupidity.

   Today's challenge! Walk with the parade and wave, and make people wonder who you are.

   when did the world give up on Common Courtesy

   There are now online dating sites for seniors... I bet that "forgot password?" button is gonna get used a lot.

   My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.

   : Say this fast-  { I, 1, 2, 1/2, 6} *Like* if you get it

   A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.

   Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.