Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dad please dont mess my hair up and say 'love ya' in public, I'm in a gang now

   I gave up on everyone, don't make this about you.

   I think Suge Knight pays someone to shoot him before the VMAs so he doesn't have to sit through them

   I'd take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.

   Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, and where did he get the idea?

   There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.

   Pro Tip: When having sex on the first date, ALWAYS say "I've never done this" so your partner knows you're a compulsive liar as well.

   " I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!

   "Auld Lang Syne" is too good to save for New Year's — I like to pump that jam in the middle of summer, with the top down

   FYI: THIS IS THE FURTHEST IN HISTORY ANYONE'S EVER GONE!!!

   Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn't have borrowed all that money.

   It's weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

   Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn't hear you the first 100 times.

   An organization can be famous for being a bad example.

   Nick Foles gets a concussion, wakes up thinking he's Peyton Manning.

   You know all those things you've wanted to do....you should do them!

   in case of a fire do not use the elevator use water

   There is always one person at the card table who has to be told it is their turn.

   If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.

   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.