Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just watched a girl choke on her food and this can only mean one thing, she forgot to take a picture of it first and post it on her FB wall.

   If getting into heaven is based on how many times you have tried to close the elevator door before someone else gets on, I am screwed.

   I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a mirror

   I can’t be what you want. I’m too busy being what I want.

   Do our elected officials even know what their Job Description is? I'm pretty sure it doesn't include ignoring and trashing the Constitution!

   According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I'm OCD.

   Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.

   Today is our 9 years anniversary here. Keep em coming folks

   After this we should all invade Mexico and vote for Justin Bieber. See how they like that.

   Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

   I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

   I've decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term 'Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."

   Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around calked Unused Sick Days. Apparently it's very contagious.

   I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!

   And in other news, Joe Biden claims that 150 million people have died from gun violence in the U.S. since 2007. I suppose that might explain the low unemployment numbers right now.

   you know your getting old when you hurt yourself sleeping

   Party in my snowfort at 7pm. BYOB, no coolers needed.

   Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?

   The part of "no" that I don't understand is the part where I don't get what I want.