Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Wasted Drunk girls... We get it. This is your song...

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!

   It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

   I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.

   A teardrop tattoo means they're a giant cry baby, so don't forget to tease them relentlessly about it.

   Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...

   I say we give them 1 more day and if they can't come to an agreement then we initiate the 1st U.S. Hunger Games.

   I'm sorry Kanye, but you can't name your baby North West, then call yourself a "creative genius."

   I think I'm the only person in this Family Dollar without a neck tattoo....... Wait, a 7yo just walked by,, Yep, still the only one.

   It's funny how Facebook will suspend me for 30 days if I send out friend requests to people they constantly suggest to me, but it's ok for them to bombard the right side of my page with scantily clad women in my area who supposedly want to date me!

   If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'.... I'll turn around and look.

   I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I'd rather SH!T in my hands and clap!"

   If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi.

   Twitter: What's happening? Facebook: What are you thinking? MySpace: Where is everybody?!

   it's not that I'm bad at remembering names, I'm just awesome at forgetting them.

   Does this couch I'm laying on make me look unmotivated?

   I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.

   I can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish.

   I just got back from my high school reunion. OK... actually, I logged into Facebook... but same thing.