Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Paris Hilton is working on a new CD. I believe this one is called, "And You Thought the First One Sucked".

   There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.

   loves how my gf calls me on her breaks. Which involves hearing courtesy flushes. Learn to break somewhere else.Thanks.

   Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back...

   May the 4th be with you!

   Do you think there's any limit to how many blades they'll put on razors? Like in 2025 there will be the Schick Annihilator 100.

   having an out of money experience

   So I guess the movie 'Armageddon' shows that oil workers are better at destroying asteroids than stopping oil leaks

   Be sure to take the time to honor a soldier today by punching a politician in the face.

   "Windows is waiting for the program to respond." Funny... So am I.

   My ceiling fan has two settings... "On" and "S#it, that's dusty."

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack mace and a taser.

   What's the difference between complete and finished? When you have a beautiful girlfriend your life is complete, your wife finds out about it you're finished.

   Maury: "Darth Vader, you.... ARE the father." Luke: "Nooooo!"

   People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

   I dream of the day that I can put my true strengths on my resume and these skills be appreciated. "So I see here you're a bird's eye shot with a rubberband and can pluck a fly out of the air with your bare hands. You Sir, are what we called hired!"

   No grandma, the term "hung like a horse," has nothing to do with being hungry. Please stop saying that before you get us kicked out of here.

   Cmon, write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!!

   People You May Know = I know none of these people.

   feels like LIFESAVERS candy is overstating their importance.