Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house

   "Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

   Not everyone that comes into your life needs to stay there.

   TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.

   Perspective is everything. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship's galley.

   Attention All Mom: if you have a son from the ages of (6 to 12).. Just randomly ask him..."If 30 ninjas broke in here right now what would you do??" Trust me it will make his day...

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered.

   I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.

   Only ghetto people go to a family party, complain about the food and STILL take 3 plates home.

   I want that "Damn you are still together?" Relationship!

   Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today… He just yelled at me.

   Thats the last time I ever sleep with an elementary teacher. I woke up with a great job sticker on my stomach.

   Most popular words spoken by a Pastor today..."Wow ...I haven't seen you since last Easter "

   The only thing worse than finding out you were given up for adoption would be finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up.

   I keep a xylophone on me at all times,, just incase I have to tip toe anywhere

   If you workout and don't post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to a woman. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   Remember when the only hatred that existed here was directed at Nickelback? Good times.

   I tried to keep up with the Kardashians but now it burns when I pee

   To all you single ladies out there, as winter slowly approaches I am offering you a good high quality man blanket for this winter. Claim me now while supplies last. . .