Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you know you're getting old when you see a beautiful 19 year old girl and wonder what her mother looks like.

   A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he's just going to use it for drugs and alcohol, and then I thought... That's what I'm going to use it for

   Due to the holiday my status will be closed... I Will reopen tomorrow at 8am. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.. Enjoy your day people!!

   After several hours of intense negotiating at the car dealership, I'm happy to say that I'm the proud owner of a 30ft. inflatible Gorilla...Yeah baby.....

   You have six kids with six different fathers and you're on this online dating site looking for a honest and committed man with no kids...ok..good luck....

   I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?

   Sigh. Guess it's time to go do some grocery shopping. A mouse hung itself inside our fridge and left a note "can't live like this"

   A psycho and a teenage girl are walking thru dark scary woods..Teanage girls says"My I am very scared walking thru these woods" The psycho replies"How do you think I feel ? I have to walk back alone"

   wants to change out the sound of her car horn for gun fire. I mean, who has an urge to blow a trumpet when you get road rage anyhow?

   Wife asks her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"

   Thinks its funny when people read someone elses status & start to wonder if it has something to do with them.

   I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

   I think once I get past the restraining orders and the court dates and the stalking charges....I really think this relationship can work!!!!

   I wear an eye patch when I download music illegally.

   I've always wanted to spin around in a chair and say: "I've been expecting you."

   Facebook is basically a crazy house. People poke each other all day, have an imaginary pet, farm, and city, talk to walls, and have random arguments with people.

   What's six inches long, two and a half inches wide, and drives women wild?................................. Money

   Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!

   There are so many people looking for Bin Laden, I think they should also search for Joyce Dewitt from Three's Company. She vanished over 20 years ago. Not even TMZ seem to know where she is.

   You're one of those people who pushes when the door says pull aren't you?