Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother-in-law's coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep

   If they gave out awards for laziness, I would send somebody to accept it for me.

   God grant me the serenity to accept the things Facebook changes, the courage to change the settings I can, and the wisdom to know it won't make a difference.

   BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump demands to know what country Latifah is the queen of...

   Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

   If I send you a text and you don't respond, and then I see you update Facebook at the same time, you're dead to me.

   Don't you HATE it when your ex says to you "I'm here if you ever need me". Where the f**k were you when we were together and I needed you?

   Just once I want to see a marathon winner cross the finish line and immediately fire up a cigarette.

   My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My mother thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My mother weighs 950 dollars.

   Doctors say drinking 8 glasses of water a day keeps skin looking younger. But I say drink 8 glasses of wine a day and you won't give a damn how old you look.

   A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender" I'll have..........a beer." The bartender says" What's with the huge pause?" The bear shrugs and says "I was born with them".

   There is a little truth behind every just kidding, a little curiosity behind every just wondering, a little knowledge behind every I dont know, and a little emotion behind every I dont care

   If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will?

   Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but I don't think anyone needs to know that the half of one white tennis shoe in the corner belongs to me.

   Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open

   Since when does 3-6 inches of snow draw the need for a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called that winter.

   Fun idea: No kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.

   I won't take a bullet for ANYONE because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move.

   Sometimes I see an old girlfriend on Facebook and post on her wall, "Great pictures of you and the family!" But what I really want to say is "Remember that time we got drunk and f*cked at that party?

   Its a bit awkward when you don't realize how many curse words and sexual innuendos a song has in it until you're in the car listening to it with your parents.