Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.

   My favourite part of driving through my state,, is the four-mile stretch of highway that isn’t under construction.

   In the event of a nuclear war, the only things that will survive are roaches . Which means US should still have a functioning government

   Better feed that camel toe, its eating your yoga pants.

   Not every trophy wife is first place...

   For best kale smoothie: 1) Fill blender with ice 2) Place kale in trash 3) Pour rum in blender 4) Add fresh fruits 5) Blend well 6) Enjoy

   If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world

   If you Google the word 'overreacting' there's a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.

   Hello and welcome to DeVry orientation.. Sign-in sheets are on the left, Steve is passing out your diplomas,,, thanks & congrats class of 10:47.

   Frankly auto correct,I'm getting tired of your shirt.

   Just watched a guy walk down the street eating a bowl of cereal. That guy has life figured out.

   I carry around a jar with a cricket for uncomfortable silences.

   The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of an iPhone is that I can afford the old one.

   I think the winner should aspire to greater things than a chicken dinner...

   I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.

   So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response

   No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother.

   I just found out that his full name is actually,, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

   My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

   I'm late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-6. I'm thankful for boobs