Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality.

   You are 15 years old you should feel butterflies in your stomach not a baby kicking

   Whenever one office door closes, 50 browser windows open.

   I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   If the caller I.D. reads "unavailable" then so am I.

   "A day without a nap is like a cupcake without frosting." -Terri Guillemets

   I just saved a bunch of money on my child support by switching to condoms

   I don't like people who can't make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.

   Was just thinking .... What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?

   Things you can say when you have nothing to say: 1. It is what it is 2. It's just not meant to be 3. Everything happens for a reason 4. Word

   Have you ever noticed that Velma(from Scooby-Doo) only says who the bad guy is after she pulls off their mask. And then conveniently knew it was him or her all along.

   Goooodnight Vietnam !!! RIP Robin Williams one of a kind...

   A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you're hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.

   Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation..

   RadioShack has announced plans to close 1,000 stores throughout the U.S. RadioShack customers were very upset when they got the news on their pagers.

   I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot

   Today at school, they told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life.

   Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

   my neighbors put their Christmas decorations up early, so I put my Easter stuff out just to one-up them.

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb