Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If breast/penis enlargment cream worked, wouldn't your hands get bigger?

   Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!

   YAWN so I can see if you're the one...

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart

   Dear McDonalds cashier, Don't give me that look, there's no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don't forget the toy b!tch.

   Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?

   Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people's backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.

   It's that time of year again where commercials remind me that I will probably never get a car with a bow on it.

   I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.

   I know it's 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?

   What doesn't kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.

   My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

   The woman in front of me in the checkout line wrote an actual check. I assume she then boarded her carriage and returned to her plantation.

   If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

   The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.

   No, I'm not "done sleeping." In fact, I will never be done sleeping, I'm merely taking a break in order to earn money so that I may keep my bed in its current, climate-controlled location.

   Word for today: Dipshidiot

   Two blondes fall down a pit. First Blonde: "It's dark in here isn't it..." Second Blonde: "I don't know, I can't see..."

   I'm torn between having 'wish you were here' or 'look behind you' engraved on my headstone.