Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away

   No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.

   People who have permission to call me honey, sugar or sweetie: 1. Truck stop waitresses 2. That’s it

   "Back in my day, Smurfs used to be smaller" -We're watching Avatar, grandma

   If restaraunt napkins ever become currency, my glove box will become Fort Knox.

   No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine

   We need to start worrying about what kind of world we are going to leave for Keith Richards.

   I like confusing kids by telling them I'm older than the internet

   The difference between "fetish" and "felony" is checking beforehand

   Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"

   I miss the good old days before social media when adults acted like four year olds in private.

   Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn't have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.

   They say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so when I eat a hotdog I try to finish it in 6 seconds so it doesn’t get awkward.

   Answering your cell when you don't recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.

   Are a bag of Skittles considered a serving of fruit? If so, I'm eating healthy today.

   hopes that when the machines rise up against humanity, his toaster remembers all the good times.

   If I place a call that is being recorded for quality assurance and training purposes, I make sure to say mother%#&@er alot.

   OK I get the "Deaf Child Area" sign .. but how the heII am l suupposed to know which kid it is?

   I have watched CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, Lie To Me, Criminal Minds and Unusual Suspects. I can kill you 18 ways with a paperclip and not leave forensic evidence.

   Don't you love when people tell you 'don't tell anyone' the next day, after you told people.