Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's better to have loved and lost, than live with the idiot for the rest of your life!

   Bounty Hunters killed all my paper towels.

   You only get eight or nine chances with me. That's it.

   The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.

   If you leave the sexual innuendo door open even the slightest bit I will come crashing through it like the Kool Aid Man.

   If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here's a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!

   Looking back, I probably shouldn't have put my neighbors panties in my garage sale...

   You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

   If you love something let it go. Great, now it's gone. Why did you do that? You loved that thing you idiot.

   If you want the most accurate, real-time weather reports, look out your damn window.

   ■Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.

   Sometimes I drop things and I'm too lazy to pick them up, like pencils, or my hopes and dreams.

   Kids hate it when they open their new toy only to find out that batteries are not included. So do women.

   I've reached an age in my life where "you shouldn't say that.." turns into "what the hell, let's see what happens..."

   I'm high tolerance and low maintenance. What more could you ask for in a girlfriend?

   I hate it when I invite people and they actually show up.

   Playing with my hair will get you anything you want.

   By the time most women are comfortable with their bodies, I'm not.

   There are the same number of people on Facebook today as there were people in the whole world in 1804

   What doesnt kill you......seriously disappoints me!