Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks sleep is for people without Internet access.

   If he were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave.

   wishes his sandwich would look like the damn picture for once.

   sorry I ignored your text yesterday, but did you really want me to reply to it with "I don't feel like texting you right now" anyway?

   If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

   It's so adorable when my Mom calls and asks me for my "email number."

   Anyone with a pool want to be my new best friend?

   likes how YouTube has gone from a video watching site to a music listing site.

   the condoms I use are so sensitive, they stick around to talk to the chick for an hour after I leave."

   If you are brave to say "good bye", life will reward you with a new "hello"

   If I had a nickel for every time I ignored your petville request, I could buy the L.A. Zoo..

   I have never understood why advertisers feel the need to show you extreme close-up shots in dog and cat food commercials. Its not like we are the ones eating it?!?!

   More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

   Nothing brings two people together like the mutual hatred of another person.

   I need a redbull & a nap..

   Homonyms: a reel waist of thyme.

   Sometimes I prefer the storm before the calm. A little chaos gets my juices flowing.

   Reminding you to never argue with someone who is not on your level of intelligence. Hand them a box of crayons and walk away knowing that you are smarter.

   finally finished ALL of my laundry. Now, I just have to sweep it's ashes out of the fireplace.

   Either my memory is getting shorter or the commercials are getting longer. Either way,by the time the shows back on,i've forgotten what I was watching!