Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.

   keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia. Which is the one about being in the closet?

   Theres no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance."

   My Wife and I have a beautiful little girl who we named after my Mom, in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

   1 female smurf, 50,000 boy smurfs, no wonder they all had blue balls

   I'm only rude when I have to be. And when the situation calls for it. And when I'm hungry. And when you're hungry. And when the weather is nice. Sometimes when it's raining. Other times when it's not raining. Always on Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays and...

   Her: Are you listening to me? Me: Trying. But when you talk, your boobs jiggle. It's distracting. Her: Grow up. Me: They did it again!

   I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

   That rose tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 19. Now it looks like red cabbage

   Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.

   Lecturing my kids about the dangers of alcohol would be a lot more effective if they didn't have access to my Facebook pictures.

   I think video games ruined my life. Good thing I have two extra lives...

   If I just fly to Arizona without ID and let them deport me to Mexico, would it be cheaper than if I flew directly there?

   Instead of Facebook asking "What's on your mind?", it should ask "What kind of drama do you have today?"

   Does "I caught myself singing a Justin Beiber song" go at the beginning or the end of a suicide note?

   It's a shame how so many of you have such nice, expensive, in many cases even brand new cars and yet the turn signals don't seem to work.

   When I go to your place for the first time, unless you live in a castle, please dont ask me if I want a tour.

   I think sharks eat people just to get on tv.

   Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio

   microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes