Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I made some jello the other day, and kept thinking it tasted funny. Then I realized this was the first time in 10 years that I've had jello that doesn't taste like vodka.

   When I go to your place for the first time, unless you live in a castle, please dont ask me if I want a tour.

   I think sharks eat people just to get on tv.

   Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio

   microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes

   Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.

   Yes, cute waitress, I just took a bite big enough to choke an ox, now is the perfect time for you to ask me how everything is.

   The inventor of the "Bumpit" made millions selling that hair accessory to women. I'm going to invent the "F**kit" and market it to women for those bad hair days.

   riding the escalator the other day, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half..

   Ever parked on the wrong side of the gas station, then turn the car around to realize you are still on the wrong side? Me either...

   the debt collector called, I told them I have $17,859,362,498 in Mafia Wars I'm just having a hard time transferring the money to checking.

   There are two types of people in this world: Those who have a Facebook account and those who shouldn't have a Facebook account.

   You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

   Lecturing my kids about the dangers of alcohol would be a lot more effective if they didn't have access to my Facebook pictures.

   I think video games ruined my life. Good thing I have two extra lives...

   If I just fly to Arizona without ID and let them deport me to Mexico, would it be cheaper than if I flew directly there?

   Instead of Facebook asking "What's on your mind?", it should ask "What kind of drama do you have today?"

   Does "I caught myself singing a Justin Beiber song" go at the beginning or the end of a suicide note?

   It's a shame how so many of you have such nice, expensive, in many cases even brand new cars and yet the turn signals don't seem to work.

   to AVOID any embarassing incidents...I've equipped my BEER GOGGLES with windshield wipers.