Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

   I wonder if I could just pay a psychiatrist to follow me on Facebook. I'd be able to skip the therapy sessions, and the doc could just send me the appropriate pills based on my status updates.

   Dear Pope, Religion and birth control are more compatible than you may think. Every time a condom breaks, someone learns to pray.

   I like to pretend I'm a judge on "So You Think You Can Dance" when I'm at the strip club.

   Guess drunk? I'm what!

   A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

   wonders why we dont have names for earthquakes

   wondering why there is a cork screw on a Swiss Army Knife. I can't remember the last time I encountered a wild bottle of Chianti in the wild..

   will have on his Tombstone, "See I told you I was SICK!"

   Played Tiger Woods PGA Tour '10 the other day. Funny thing was that the 'cheat codes' were already put into the game.

   survived April Fools Day without being pranked, however there was a baby on my doorstep this morning, but i'm pretty sure thats unrelated.

   "You are probably a 30-year old drunk dude with nothing better to do than play video games" - An incredibly correct kid on Xbox Live

   I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."

   No grandma it's not "50 percent and acorn," it's 50 Cent and Akon.

   My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill.

   Hate it when girls make me do the walk of shame in the morning. So embarrassing circling my own apartment waiting for them to leave.

   Why the do vegans have fake meat? "I'm morally opposed to eating meat but I want to pretend I'm eating it."

   I want you all to know, if I win the Powerball tonight.... I'm still going to show up to Facebook tomorrow.

   If your hat is intentionally crooked while you are pushing a stroller then we know your child was an accident.

   If you have to "take a break" then you two are NOT together. Timeouts are for sports, not relationships.