Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've got 2 college degrees in case anyone needs their lawn mowed or pool cleaned

   I'm ABSOLUTELY positive I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my jokes, like William, Shatner.

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon

   Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...

   We've all seen that person on Social Media who likes to debate things as if they are a college professor. Dude...you're arguing with someone who uses "dat"

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.

   A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you're single: priceless!

   Why does every horrific news story begin with "A Florida man..."

   Everyone on my Facebook is going for Mayweather or pacquiao, I'm going for the Baltimore mom!

   If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.

   I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill

   It's amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people's mistakes.

   And on the 21st Day of May... God said.. Hahahahahhahah!

   Hey Harold Camping, we all make mistakes. It's not the end of the world...

   A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink on average 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid.

   That feeling when your ex reappears as a single mother with a child, and you immediately start doing the math.

   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars & trucks team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!

   Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.

   I felt special… until I saw you talk to every other guy like that.