Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you're single: priceless!

   I've got 2 college degrees in case anyone needs their lawn mowed or pool cleaned

   I'm ABSOLUTELY positive I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my jokes, like William, Shatner.

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon

   If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.

   knockin' boots. Okay, maybe knockin' snow off my boots, but still.

   First the doctor gave me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me..

   My car keys are kicking my ass at hide and seek.

   If I don't answer my phone the first time you call, calling 5 more times isn't going to make me answer.

   On this day thirty years ago.. Mtv still played music videos.

   I was planning on procastinating today but I think I'm going to put that off until next week as well

   A picture speaks a thousand words, but with photo-shop, it tells a thousand lies

   I think Facebook needs another relationship type: Domestic Incarceration

   I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

   When someone ruins a load of whites on TV it's always because of a stupid red sock. Never a burgundy washcloth or scarlet granny panties, always a sock! Who owns fire engine red socks anyway?

   You would think when you offer someone gum they would take it, but no some don't...maybe next time I can just hand them a toothbrush ad toothpaste and they will get the message!

   I think the best thing about the Internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort.

   I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.

   I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way the pets and children do.