Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think Facebook needs another relationship type: Domestic Incarceration

   A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

   wondering why there is a cork screw on a Swiss Army Knife. I can't remember the last time I encountered a wild bottle of Chianti in the wild..

   will have on his Tombstone, "See I told you I was SICK!"

   Played Tiger Woods PGA Tour '10 the other day. Funny thing was that the 'cheat codes' were already put into the game.

   No grandma it's not "50 percent and acorn," it's 50 Cent and Akon.

   My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill.

   "You are probably a 30-year old drunk dude with nothing better to do than play video games" - An incredibly correct kid on Xbox Live

   I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."

   I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

   When someone ruins a load of whites on TV it's always because of a stupid red sock. Never a burgundy washcloth or scarlet granny panties, always a sock! Who owns fire engine red socks anyway?

   You would think when you offer someone gum they would take it, but no some don't...maybe next time I can just hand them a toothbrush ad toothpaste and they will get the message!

   I think the best thing about the Internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort.

   I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.

   I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way the pets and children do.

   I wonder if I could just pay a psychiatrist to follow me on Facebook. I'd be able to skip the therapy sessions, and the doc could just send me the appropriate pills based on my status updates.

   Dear Pope, Religion and birth control are more compatible than you may think. Every time a condom breaks, someone learns to pray.

   I like to pretend I'm a judge on "So You Think You Can Dance" when I'm at the strip club.

   Guess drunk? I'm what!

   If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.