Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so ugly the kids gave me candy when they came to my door.

   People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.

   If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don't slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.

   I don't know why my girlfriend insists on buying me Lunchables, Fruit Roll-Ups, and Pudding Cups for my lunch at work, like I'm in Kindergarten... She knows damn well they won't fit in my Scooby-Doo lunch box!

   Why is Facebook going public? They couldn't figure out the privacy settings either?

   it's funny how gas can drop $10.00 a barrel and the price at the pump stays the same for a week or so, but if it goes up a dollar the price at the pump jumps right away.. that's just F'd up, if you ask me.

   Let the record show the plaintiff wore an Ed Hardy shirt, skinny jeans & Crocs before the assault. Your honor, he was clearly asking for it.

   You know you are a Facebook Drama Queen when you post pics of yourself crying.

   Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no ones listening. Live everyday like Maury told you its not your baby

   I was voted most likely to travel back in time by the class of 2047

   Sure it looks like an innocent candy cane now, but give me 5-7 minutes and it'll be a dagger I can take out my enemies with.

   FACT: If you clip your cell phone to your belt, your chances of getting laid decreases by 97%.

   I refuse to believe the ground hog saw his shadow until he updates his status.

   I've just been informed by a porn site that "8 hot nymphos in my area are dying to meet me." I'm understandably stoked.

   Snooki's due date is December 21st, 2012. Well played, Mayans...well played.

   Why does every horrific news story begin with "A Florida man..."

   Everyone on my Facebook is going for Mayweather or pacquiao, I'm going for the Baltimore mom!

   Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...

   We've all seen that person on Social Media who likes to debate things as if they are a college professor. Dude...you're arguing with someone who uses "dat"

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.