Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   knockin' boots. Okay, maybe knockin' snow off my boots, but still.

   First the doctor gave me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me..

   My car keys are kicking my ass at hide and seek.

   If I don't answer my phone the first time you call, calling 5 more times isn't going to make me answer.

   On this day thirty years ago.. Mtv still played music videos.

   I was planning on procastinating today but I think I'm going to put that off until next week as well

   A picture speaks a thousand words, but with photo-shop, it tells a thousand lies

   I think Facebook needs another relationship type: Domestic Incarceration

   A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

   wonders why we dont have names for earthquakes

   wondering why there is a cork screw on a Swiss Army Knife. I can't remember the last time I encountered a wild bottle of Chianti in the wild..

   will have on his Tombstone, "See I told you I was SICK!"

   Played Tiger Woods PGA Tour '10 the other day. Funny thing was that the 'cheat codes' were already put into the game.

   If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

   I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

   When someone ruins a load of whites on TV it's always because of a stupid red sock. Never a burgundy washcloth or scarlet granny panties, always a sock! Who owns fire engine red socks anyway?

   You would think when you offer someone gum they would take it, but no some don't...maybe next time I can just hand them a toothbrush ad toothpaste and they will get the message!

   I think the best thing about the Internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort.

   I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.

   I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way the pets and children do.