Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...

   Nice try "Private Caller", but I don't answer if I know you either.

   PRO TIP: Make tomorrow's colonoscopy special by eating all of this glitter!

   I wish I could have the days back when I'd tell my best friend "we did it three times last night" and it meant something other than "going to the bathrrom"

   You'd think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I've been drinking.

   Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos

   In Heaven, donuts are glazed on both sides

   I had "Abstinence-only" sex education when I was in high school. It was called "Marching Band".

   When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.

   Love yourself, just don’t do it in public. There are laws against that type of behavior.

   It should be a rule that if you're going to put you kid on a leash, you can't be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

   Just told my dog "Don't walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don't.

   Has anyone ever noticed that they never actually tell us how to get to Sesame Street?

   My favourite childhood memory...not paying bills

   Wife: Wanna have sex? Me: Sure, a quickie or do you want the full 2 minutes?

   Shout out to the knife for always having my back.

   I'm the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.

   [wakes up from a 20 year coma]. Sweet,,, X-Files still goin strong

   Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.

   Thanks for being the kind of friend who will laugh during the eulogy at my funeral because you knew the real story.