Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my life is like Jurassic Park but with no dinosaurs, just the part about a fat guy who resents his employer

   I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.

   I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.

   Its pretty cool how after all of these years of marriage my wife as gained the ability to finish my sentences. Like when I say, "Can I...." she says, "No".

   Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...

   Nice try "Private Caller", but I don't answer if I know you either.

   PRO TIP: Make tomorrow's colonoscopy special by eating all of this glitter!

   I wish I could have the days back when I'd tell my best friend "we did it three times last night" and it meant something other than "going to the bathrrom"

   You'd think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I've been drinking.

   Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos

   In Heaven, donuts are glazed on both sides

   I had "Abstinence-only" sex education when I was in high school. It was called "Marching Band".

   When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.

   Has anyone ever noticed that they never actually tell us how to get to Sesame Street?

   My favourite childhood memory...not paying bills

   Wife: Wanna have sex? Me: Sure, a quickie or do you want the full 2 minutes?

   Shout out to the knife for always having my back.

   I'm the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.

   Wow......this is turning out to be the best year Mark Sanchez has ever had in the NFL

   If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.