Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's too bad you can't punch someone's personality.

   I feel I have an on and off relationship with clothes.

   If Eve cursed the entire human race just for an apple, I can only imagine what she would do for a Klondike bar.

   I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure. - Mark Twain

   They should make a Rosetta Stone that helps men understand what the f*ck women are actually trying to say.

   I never know when it will strike... but there comes a moment at work when I've made up my mind that I'm not doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

   I'll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.

   If I've learned one thing from Facebook... it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day Facebooking.

   Would like to give a big shout out to the people that are hard of hearing

   They can go ahead and change the name "land line" to "cell phone finder" now.

   Car commercials make driving around in empty parking garages look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.

   You know what my problem is? People telling me what my problem is.

   I wish I had a job where I could frequently say, "If my calculations are correct..."

   RIP Jack Kevorkian dead at 83. Final stats: 0 points, 0 rebounds, and 130 assists.

   I am pretty certain it is easier to become a Navy SEAL than it is to get a damn fly out of my car.

   I live every day like it's my first. There's a lot of crying and sleeping involved.

   The coolest part about wallet chains is that they let potential thieves know your wallet isn't worth stealing.

   My wife asked me if I wanted to go on a date for Valentine's, so I asked her with who and do I know her...................then the trouble started.

   We're responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.

   My life can be summed up in an overwhelming urge to wash my hands.