Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?

   1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance - My stages of getting ready for work

   i hate when people steal my ideas and post them before I think of them

   oh, your talking to me again? You must have just broken up with your boyfriend.

   My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?

   I hate when I order a pizza online & it asks "Do you accept the terms and conditions?" I'm ordering a pizza, not launching a nuclear weapon.

   Dear retail stores. August 21st is too damn early for Christmas decorations. Take them down. Now.

   There are no bad pictures; that's just how your face looks sometimes.

   Game: "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *minutes later* "How the hell do you play this?"

   We're all sex addicts. Some of us just have better dealers.

   When a woman tells me her lawn needs mowing, I get an entirely different picture in my head.

   I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days... But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA speak for "here's a pine tree and some nails."

   Somthing always tells me, be camera ready when I go into Walmart..

   Note to Self: Singing the theme song to Two and a Half Men while watching it, fun and acceptable. Singing it while in the showers at the gym, not so much.

   My life coach just benched me.

   If you can't laugh at yourself... I will gladly do it for you.

   I can't believe they've imprisoned Wesley Snipes without first cryogenically preserving Sylvester Stallone

   I have tried it all to get my girl to call out my name in bed, but nothing has worked.My last hope now is to change my name to "Already?".