Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I took a nap... Well, actually I was jumping on the bed and the ceiling fan knocked me unconscious,,,,,,,,,,,,,, But still

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad.

   Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying "sorry breaking up with you" or that a minute later she text me back "sorry wrong number."

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a constipated muppet trying to list off active ingredients in Children’s Tylenol.

   Everybody knows that door handles spread disease but when I started a business to clean them and called it Knob Jobs all I got were creepy phone calls

   Game: "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *minutes later* "How the hell do you play this?"

   We're all sex addicts. Some of us just have better dealers.

   When a woman tells me her lawn needs mowing, I get an entirely different picture in my head.

   I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days... But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   Kanye West is said to be recovering well in hospital after an 8 hour operation to remove his head from his ass.

   With so many things coming back in style, I can't wait till loyalty and morals become the new trend again.

   Sometimes you wish you could just fast forward time just to see if in the end it's all worth it,..

   The week seems to go by at the speed of a snail. Unless it's the weekend. Then the snail is driving a Ferrari.

   When Bill Gates feels like a million bucks, he's having a crappy day.

   My brain is about as organized as the WalMart $5 DVD bin.

   when I have a headache , I take 2 asprins and keep away from children . jus like it says on the bottle.

   Thanks, autocorrect. I'm sure she's dying to know about my huge peninsula.

   Just think,,, 20 years ago my television set weighed 350lbs.. And my wife weighed 105lbs ...

   "Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I've ever been asked.