Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new Timeline layout?

   Louis Vuitton's selling $68 condoms? Fine by me. Anyone idiotic enough to spend that much money on a condom probably shouldn't breed.

   The road to Hell is paved with everything that feels like Heaven.

   Why were the first two guys in Superman so excited about seeing a bird or a plane?

   My favourite pastime is planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sitting back to watch the magic unfold.

   Are you single single or internet single?

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, how do you spell your name again?

   Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2!

   love the scoring system on storage wars..lets see...a broken tricycle, thats $200, used tupperware...$600......

   One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.

   When you're with the right person, you feel the perfect balance of happy and horny.

   Steven Tyler looks like a zombie crawling out of a drag queen's hamper.

   The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.

   boobs are proof that guys can pay attention to two things at once

   When you post pictures of yourself flaunting money, I am forced to think you're not used to having it.

   Quick, how do you wrap a broom?

   Dont go broke trying to look RICH....act your wage!

   I'm wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10 am on a Tuesday…Yeah,,I probably don't need a receipt

   I wonder if the person who invented trail mix actually discovered it when they were cleaning out their car and moved their kids' car seats.

   I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date... it's never going to make it anywhere near that.