Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A jealous woman does better research than the FBI....

   If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it.

   There's nothing more awkward then asking "who is this" when getting a heartfelt holiday text.

   Stupidity: Running over a string 10 times with the vacuum cleaner, picking it up, looking at it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

   Steven Tyler is quitting American Idol after two seasons! I sure am going to miss that old lady!!!

   My dream job would have two desks — one for work and one for flipping over in blind rages.

   Nothing brings 2 people together faster than the hatred of a 3rd person

   I remember when the M in MTV stood for Music not Maternity.

   I liked you better before we met.

   My local post office uses four checkouts unless it's really busy; then they use one.

   This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."

   Ain't no sandwich when she's gone.

   It's amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don't like them!!!

   Pretty sure I know what my GF is getting me for Christmas. When I guessed, "a threesome?" she got all angry like I'd ruined the surprise.

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?......................... (you smart people grinned didn't you.)

   I remember when my old Nokia phone said I had low battery it meant that I had 2 days to find a charger.

   Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: 'last warning, you have a week to get the money together.'

   my internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!

   Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.