Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't trust people who like me the second we meet. I'm an acquired taste.

   with the way kids are so HYPER these days, I probably wouldn't have enough patience to be a Kindergarten Teacher...we'd have to play games like DUCT, DUCT, TAPE!

   if only life came with ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP ►► FF...buttons.

   ▒▒broke his sta▒tus but ▒▒▒▒ a little duct tape goes▒▒ a long w▒ay....

   Hav finally finished my 40,000 piece Jigsaw, it reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "

   wants a holiday that somehow follows closely to the 1966 movie: The Endless Summer...... any volunteers?

   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list...

   It's amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don't like them!!!

   Pretty sure I know what my GF is getting me for Christmas. When I guessed, "a threesome?" she got all angry like I'd ruined the surprise.

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."

   Ain't no sandwich when she's gone.

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?......................... (you smart people grinned didn't you.)

   Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.

   my internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!

   I remember when my old Nokia phone said I had low battery it meant that I had 2 days to find a charger.

   Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: 'last warning, you have a week to get the money together.'

   First that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

   Did you know? Its impossible to say “Good Eye Might” without sounding Australian? LIKE if you tried.

   I hate it when people repost statuses. By the way, I'm gathering rocks to throw at you.

   Guy's and girls have different ways of cleaning the toilet. girls uses a scrub brush while a guy pisses as hard as he can on the poop stains.