Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..

   The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I've decided to start growling.

   Should I check my bank account balance or continue having an okay day?

   Sending troops to Liberia to fight Ebola? Are they going to shoot at it?

   if you want to memorialize a veteran, you should kick a politician in their genitals. .

   Hey Victoria's Secret, I like to keep my panty selection private so if your cashiers wouldn't hold them up like Simba when folding them, that'd be great.

   Having sex with your ex on a Thursday isn't cheating, it's a throwback.

   PRO TIP: If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   The girl on the flyer is never at the club.

   I'm sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they've won the Canadian lottery.

   You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they're flying too close together?

   If I were a movie villain I'd make a bomb where the wires are all one color.

   20 years ago nobody knew what gluten was, now there are only 3 people left in the world that can still eat a bagel.

   Congrats to Lebron James for getting engaged, his fiance now leads the family with 1 ring.

   The Korean version of "Marley and Me" was probably a lot shorter...

   If you're a hacker… here's my password ●●●●●●●●●●●●●

   A tooth allegedly belonging to John Lennon is being put up for auction… you know times are bad when the Tooth-fairy needs cash...

   Once I'm finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.

   You'd be surprised how people get the words "f*ck off" confused with "please continue."

   (on facebook) Friend 1: ugh, I feel so crap I hate my life. Friend 2: aww babe whats wrong??. Friend 1: inbox? Friend 2: yeah okay. Rest of us: well f*ck you then.