Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .My super power is to slap people upside the head when they need it most. No need to thank me. Just doing my job.

   i thought the trick to makeup was to make it look like yout not wearing any and not to look like you shoved your face in a bowl of nacho cheese sauce

   : the only A+ I've gotten in life is my blood type

   The definition of irony: Not knowing the difference between a definition and an example.

   you know your getting old when you get out of bed and your body pops more then bubble wrap

   Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

   Get robbed on the street by a stranger, it's called a mugging, get robbed by your government, and it's called "taxes" ;)

   I think I missed the driver ed class on how inching forward every 5 seconds at a red light makes it turn green faster.

   I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.

   How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?

   People who have high and unnecessary attitudes deserve the standing ovation of my tallest finger !!!!!!!

   I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

   Aw Jeez, I just realized Osama could feasibly end up in a can of tuna fish.

   At least he saw the royal wedding...

   Osama was found hiding in mansion in Abbottabad. Talk abbot-a-bad place to try and hide…

   Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?

   We use 300muscles to keep our balance when we stand, The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb the femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.A woman has read this entire post..a man is stil lookin at his thumb

   enjoying a nice bottle of vintage DayQuil '09. The texture is like honey, taste like crap with touch of lemon

   An Officer came to me and asked "Where were you between 4 and 6?" I responded "Kindergarten."

   Have you ever looked at the last few loads of dirty laundry and considered just throwing them away??