Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   they say good things come to those who wait, so I'm gonna be about an hour late

   Highlighter pens are the future. Mark my words

   Dear news people, stop trying to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull, you are all sounding like idiots, just call it The Volcano, is way easier...

   Why do people insist on speaking to me? It pretty much never goes well.

   I truly wonder how much better life would be if people were required to fill out a CAPTCHA before breeding.

   When you were a kid, your biggest decision was "Duck Hunt or Mario Bros."

   It'll be a while before hearing a commentator say: "Tiger Woods struggles to come from behind" doesn't make me giggle.

   thankful for my mistakes for they have been my greatest teachers.

   why does it seem like Toys 'R Us just threw up in my living room???

   annoyed that these guys like Clooney, Cruise, and DeNiro are all picking me as their celebrity look-alike. Get a life losers.

   I order the club sandwich all the time. I'm not even a member. I dunno how I get away with it.

   some people come to Facebook just to air out their "dirty laundry", others just don't know how to clean it.

   If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten

   I have no problem giving credit where credit is due. It's giving payment where payment is due is where I struggle.

   isn't it funny that when your internet goes down, your computer becomes completely uninteresting anymore? ........and you actually wanna go out and have a life?

   If this phone were really smart, it wouldn't let certain people call me.

   doesn't think you should ever compliment a lady on her mustache... no matter how magnificent it is.

   If someone ever tells you "we need to talk" they dont care about anything you have to say.

   really thinks there should be an option on Facebook to 'like' someone's status but not be reminded every single time someone replies on it!

   I'd be willing to bet that the gambling addiction hotline would work better if every fifth caller was a winner.