Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's a shame that people who start a sentence with, "I know it's none of my business," never leave it at that.

   I won employee of the month!!!.... again! I love being self employed.

   so I'm guessing Ashley is either a girl that dumped your pathetic ass or a hottie that stole you boyfriend? You're a loser either way..

   North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has declared war against South Korea, saying 'we will make them pay for Psy and his Gangnam Style"

   I don't want to 'complete' anyone, I would rather date someone that already has their sh*t together....

   A kid came to my door dressed as Tony Romo. I asked him why he had no candy in his bag. He said he used to but he turned it over.

   I wonder if Disney is gonna make the Epcot Center look like the Death Star now

   I think my virginity is growing back.

   Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.

   I'm at my white trashiest when I'm on the front porch with a group of people trying to figure out why the cops are 2 houses down.

   My life coach advised me to run out the clock.

   You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”

   People will stop making small talk with you if you simply wear clown makeup whenever you're out in public.

   Fun thing to do #26: Stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.

   People are really judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.

   Twenty percent of all relationships fail because someone buys a selfie stick.

   Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”

   I'm not mature enough to be in a yoga class.

   Personally, I think failure should be an option

   If your dog is fat it means that you don't get enough exercise.