Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Come on, who are you going to believe? Me or the background check.

   My girlfriend told me that I'm starting to annoy her because I relate EVERYTHING to batman.....What a Joker....

   I don't always think I'm right....but whenever I think I'm wrong I tend to be mistaken.

   That dolphin tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 18, Now it looks like a used condom!

   I'd be willing to bet that the gambling addiction hotline would work better if every fifth caller was a winner.

   If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

   I wouldn't make it very long as a tattoo artist because I would always be asking "You're kidding me, right, you want that?"

   Before the Facebook, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.

   My favorite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

   I'm white, but not go to a yard sale at 7am to get all the "good stuff" white...

   What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.

   Lawyer: "You've been released!" Aaron Hernandez: "Great, so I can go home?" Lawyer: "Shìt, sorry. I mean you've been released by the Pats."

   Everyone else's plans for pretty weekends: "I'm going to the lake" "I'm hanging at the pool" "We're going to the park for a picnic" And I'm just over here like "I'm gonna eat a waffle."

   Tip for Egypt's next president: get rid of Tahrir square.

   Married sext: I'll remember to bring my Tupperware home from work today.

   I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.

   in China they are reporting that weiner has lost the erection...

   I was having breakfast at a friend's house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."

   Never take financial advice from someone that has paid for a ringtone.

   i will never buy a foam finger again !